Hit Me With it: TOP CHEF FINALE LIVE BLOG

1000: Just before the finale starts, we get ... a cryptic commercial for a program called 'Around the World in 80 Plates.' Color me intrigued.

1004: As the defeated chefs battle to serve as sous chefs to the finalists ... we have a Grayson sighting. I could probably log off now.

1006: Sarah nabs Nyesha as one of her sous, which prompts her to mention her skills as a saucier. Suddenly, I'm reminded of that scene from 'Tropic Thunder' where Robert Downey talks about being a 'saucier in San Anton'.

1010: "I'm not letting you butcher." - Sarah to Tyler, the first and most infamous eliminated chef this season, who also just happens to be one of her sous chefs. I'm really LOL-ing at this.

1012: Commercial time. BTW, thanks in large part to the unseasonably warm DC weather, I'm getting an early dose of allergies, which is completely wiping me out. So to fuel me through this episode, this post is brought to you by Coke Zero. A really small can though (see left).

1019: As the chefs prep for service, Tyler frantically begs for guidance. Reminds me of another movie, in this case, 'Waiting', when the gals are telling Calvin to not be a pussy. [/imdb]

1024: Commercial time. Are we really two thirds of the way through this episode? Already?

1025: Plug for 'Million Dollar Listing New York'. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that I really miss the original 'Million Dollar Listing'. Coiffed douche bags and overpriced real estate. Classic.

1027: Back in the kitchen, Paul takes the first speed bump (funky crab) and plows through it. The backup prawns get pulled in and he doesn't miss a beat. So far.

1029: As the judges get seated in Paul's restaurant, we get two notable items from the judge's table: the phrase 'Top Chef Canada' and the host of 'Around the World in 80 Plates', Kat Cora.

1031: Mid-meal, Paul is greeted by his girlfriend and family. He don't look filipino but that was for damnsure a filipino accent.

1032: I just want to go on record as saying this doesn't feel like a finale. Just ... doesn't.

1033: In Sarah's kitchen, we hear the phrase, 'nutty consistency'. Just for kicks, if you ever watch Bizarre Foods, grab a beer, and drink every time he says, 'nutty'. Leave me a comment when you wake up the next day w/ your clothes still on.

1037: Commercial time. The Bud Platinum commercial hits. Can I say I'm a huge fan of the use of Kanye for this spot? Brilliant stuff.

1039: Back from the break ... and Sarah's crying again. Not gonna be too sexist. I'll just say I'm over it.

1041: Crisis # 2 for Paul, as the prawns in his apps end up overcooked. In Sarah's kitchen, she dodges a pinbone bullet w/ her fish. Meanwhile, I'm considering lesbianism as I glare at Kat Cora.

1044: Not to play on any stereotypes, but I'm certain the owner of Terlato wines has buried a stool pigeon or two in his lifetime.

1045: "I feel pretty good ... for the first time here." Paul, of his performance in the finale. Not sure if that's a good omen.

1046: At judges' table, we got mention of Sarah's sweetbread dish. Quick mention of the only time I had sweetbreads. I had it at Volt w/ my fiance for our five year anniversary. I ordered it w/o telling her what it was. Once she found out what it was ... well, let's just say she hasn't totally forgiven me yet.

1050: Nothing against Hugh Acheson, who's been perfectly fine in his role as the fourth judge this season. But I just miss Anthony Bourdain.

1051: Ugh. A 'Watch What Happens Live' plug and looking at Sarah's smiling face, I'm not too keen on Paul's chances of pulling this out. Excuse me as I ready that bottle of wine.

1058: Second commercial I've seen for 'Shahs of Sunset'. Aside from Top Chef, I think every other show on Bravo makes me want to go jogging ... into traffic.

1059: All the eliminated chefs looking on. Nice touch to build the dramedy.

1100: THANK GOD.

1101: MOTHER OF GOD, THANK YOU.

 1102: A THOUSAND TIMES, THANK YOU. Paul takes the crown, and Sarah does a teary eyed face palm (metaphorically speaking). Elsewhere, Bev is clicking her tiny heels together, as she skips down the street. Not sure I can conjure another coherent thought tonight so on that note, I will see you guys next week for the reunion episode. Auf wiedersehen!

Two Outta Four: TOP CHEF LIVE BLOG

1006: Okay, so two of the final four chefs are Asian. Maybe not the two I had anticipated but ... I'll deal.

1007: I'm not sure what it is about being on Top Chef but for some reason, when it gets to four, regardless of the season, the chefs feel compelled to come back with new haircuts.

1010: So the quickfire challenge has our final four cooking ... wait for it ... on ski lifts mountain side gondolas in Whistler. I'm not sure what the ratings have been like this year but these 'extreme' cooking challenges have been way too frequent and nigh unwatchable. Not a fan to say the least. Here's hoping they straighten up their act and get back to actual cooking next season.

1015: It's been 15 minutes and ... Beverly's already annoying while Lindsey screwed the pooch on her dish. Shocker ... ?

1018: Whatever, Lindsey. Enjoy failure in the finale.

1019: A zillion barbeque challenges, countless extreme challenges, free passes to the final two rounds ...  this season has completely confounded me.

1021: Sarah - "Beverly ... is the silent horse." Riiiiiight.

1024: I had a coherent thought two seconds ago ... then the fiance started playing 'Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now' by Starship. Where am I? What's happening?

1025: Food in ice blocks. Keep on pushing it, a**holes. 

1027: Watching the contestants wail away at the ice blocks reminds me of my childhood ... wailing away at ice blocks, working in a hot dog truck in DC. FYI, Asian parents don't understand the phrase 'child labor laws.'

1032:  You have to love the karma. Paul helps his fellow contestants, takes down the second quickfire and the second seat in the finale. Meanwhile, Sarah is already lining up therapists, in the event she screws the pooch against Bev. Love it.

1038: And for the final challenge? A biathlon.  I want jump off my balcony into a cauldron of scalding hot split pea soup.

1045: If nothing else, the look of absolute anguish on Sarah's face throughout this ep has been worth the price of admission.

1049: Judges' table, deliberation time as we go to commercial. Bravo once again shoves 'Watch What Happens Live' down our throats and adds the ghoulish grill of Lil' Kim into the mix for good measure. I will never watch that 'show'. (And I may not sleep tonight.)

1054: More commercials. I'm sure Ellen Degeneres uses a ton of the stuff but I'm not getting her as a L'Oreal pitch person. Old Navy, Toyota Prius? Maybe. Make-up? Not so much. Stick with Sofia Vergara, thanks.

1057: Moment of truth ... and all I can fixate on is Padma's yellow shirt.

1058: Ugh. Sarah moves on and ups the annoying quotient for the finale.

1101: Wait, what? That was just the semifinal round? A one-on-one finale? What in the crikey hell is going on?

1103: Just a quick word to close this post. I know I've said it ad nauseum but this season has really been a dud. Again, totally flying blind on this season's ratings but I do know the past few seasons have seen a dip in viewership so I can understand a few tweaks. That said, the need to keep things interesting  shouldn't come at the expense of the show's integrity. And I'll leave it at that.

Thanks for playing, kids. Good times watching and writing. I say good day.

You Went There: TOP CHEF LIVE BLOG

959: Early highlight of this week's episode? The recap of last week with clips of Charlize Theron.

1002: Yes, Chris. The appropriate reaction to Charlize is ... 'Wow'.

Giggity.

1005: Love mise en place challenges. Not that I'm an expert on speed or anything. Just saying.

1007: I belong to the '50-yr old Asian Man' school of eating i.e. "don't you dare remove the shell or head off my shrimp b/c you're ruining it." This shell removal challenge is offending me.

1009: Just for the record, I'm writing while sitting on an exercise ball with my laptop on a stool. I'll let that picture develop.

1011: This season's 'Vote for your favorite loser chef!' contest amuses me, esp. considering that chefs that never actually made it on the show are vying for votes. It's like William Hung campaigning to win American Idol. Like now.

1016: Oh, Grayson, baby. You had it in the bag. Don't you ever worry your pretty little head.

1017: Shocker: The Asians are going head-to-head. The TV gods. They hate me.

1021: Sidebar - I used to do this wacky bit where I would pretend to be Chef Paul, except I would talk in a heavy Viet accent. KNEE. SLAPPING. STUFF.

Then I found out he's Filipino. Bit. Over.

1025: They must play that Camry commercial during every break. So much so that things are starting to run together. That last time it looked like Chris Berman was driving the Camry in a wifebeater. Then I realized it was Kelly Clarkson.

1030: So you know my baby, Grayson. She's cute. She cooks. She wins from time to time. But the strategy part? Not her strong suit. For instance, 200 chicken salad sammiches to order. Ambitious yes but not the best idear.

1030: 'I'm Sarah. So what I have for you today is a meatball with turkey, some squash, arugula, a side of squash, a dash of squash, squash, squash, wild squash, squash ... and to cool you off, some squash.'

1041: Commercial for 'The Vow'. I'm imagining the producer pitching it to the studio like this ... 'Okay, think "50 First Dates", but not funny and mostly sad. And Channing Tatum's abs. Did I mention his abs?'

1048: Judges' Table time. Oh, Grayson, baby. You lost me at 'Asian Food'.

1053: Episode I 3D commercial. I was just about to say something about how it was such BS that the really good Asian chef (Paul) looked poised to eliminate his equally talented yet starcrossed Asian chef. Then I had visions of Darth Maul and Qui-Gon Jinn swinging lightsabers in 3D. Gahddamn you, Lucas.

1059: BOOM! Chris J. hits the bricks. That mock pony tail stuck around for about three weeks too long. A great showing for Chris nonetheless. I'm sure he will go back to Moto a better chef. I look forward to eating a ravioli made of toilet paper. Or something weird.

1101: Gonna catch me some Last Chance Kitchen but before I split, I have to say this was a pretty disappointing episode, especially coming off the high from last week. It's mindboggling just how painfully inconsistent this season has been. The culprit seemed to be a really weak premise for the elimination challenge. Yes, we know Healthy Choice is the sponsor. Yes, we know Chef Bryan, a Top Chef alum, makes a fine spokesman. But do you need to hand jam the product into a half assed, healthy-eating contest? Obvious answer is no.

And for chrissakes, enough with the 'Let's cook for 620 yokels!' challenges. Once, twice, three times a season is enough. Way too many challenges with cafeteria-style eating.

1112: End rant. Thanks for reading. Fun night as always. Stay classy, San Diego. 

Porn for Paula Dean: TOP CHEF LIVE BLOG

1009: Going on record: Worst season of Top Chef yet. Still I watch.

1011: To elaborate, I cannot remember a season where they went so far out of their way to tell the audience how credentialed the cast was. Yet I cannot recall a more lame ass, disappointing bunch of cooks.

1014: FYI I got a jonesing for Grayson. A byproduct of being the only decent looking woman this season. That's not saying much.

1016: More of my ginger haired angel. MAWWWR.

1018: I'm convinced Beverly gets hated on for being the uber-asian goober, which almost completely invalidates her talent. Almost.

1019: I was going to say something about the poor quality of the elimination challenges and then Charlize Theron hit the screen. I can't remember if I had pants on before. I don't care.

1025: I need to know what the special 'coating' is on Burger King's new fries. Sure, it might make the fries taste like heaven and look like money but it's Himalayan goat pee, I don't want it.

1030: We are 30 minutes into the show. There are seven chefs left. Three are Asian. How did this escape me thus far?

1039: Leave it to me to drub the current season ... only to see the chefs pull out the best meal yet. I have no business betting on anything.

1041: I need a ruling. I think Ed is a dead ringer for my friend, Andrew.  See below:

Andrew on the left, chef Edward Lee on the right.

RIGHT?! If there's former PSA-er reading this who can co-sign, please do so. Freaky. 

1054: I'll just come out with it: Sarah can lick it. She undercooked risotto this season, not once but twice. She quit an elimination challenge ... mid-challenge (and then came back when convenient ... only to leave again). She threw the Asian girl under the bus. I'm over the "Nice-pitiable-fat-girl" shtick. These rocks won't kick themselves.

1059: Well, that's the last time I push the Asians. Ladies and gents, I am ... The Cooler.

1101: Back to Grayson. She's hot in the way Rachel Nichols from ESPN is hot ... in that if you're stare at her long enough, and you remove any other basis for comparison (i.e. little to no women on the same program), you turn a 4 into a 6. In Grayson's case, a 5 to a 7. Thank you for your time.

1106: There's something amiss with this 'Last Chance Kitchen'. Indulge me.

- Tom Colicchio doesn't change shirts for three to four weeks. At least.
- Neither does the peanut gallery, for that matter.
- The challenges take place in the San Antonio kitchen but the incoming chefs are coming from all over the state at different times in the season.

There's probably a logical explanation to all this but until that surfaces, I'll be waiting for the chef on the grassy knoll.

1115: I won't spoil the results from the LCK but this might've been the best one yet.

1118: Had fun tonight. If you read this, a gold star to ya. You may pack your knives and go. Night.

Top Chef: Live Blog - 7/14/10

-9:01: I just want to go on record as saying Lynn (who was eliminated last week w/ Arnold) was a nasty c-...cook. SUCK FAILURE, granny.

-9:03: And how Angelo ISN'T a line worker at the fudge packing plant...is beyond me.

-9:05: As soon as I clear my credit card, me and the woman is havin' dinner at the Inn at Little Washington. And then I will spend the next 6 months paying off the bill.

-9:07: Tim, sorry, you are the WORST representative for local cuisine. Ever. Prove me wrong.

-9:10: Side note: I got an infield hit and a walk yesterday in softball. How is it that my left arm is seized up like an epileptic kid watchin' anime?

-9:19: I'm half expecting Angelo to accidentally mutter the N word and get wok shoved up his ass. Or not. Would be cool though.

-9:29: Ok, I'm pretty sure Angelo has to go door to door to tell people about his 'indiscretions.' Total creep vibe.

-9:37: WE GET IT, KENNY'S BLACK. BETTER NICKNAMES, amanda.

-9:40: All we need is one more layer and the Pretzel M&Ms will = candy turducken.

-9:42: Tim (before every challenge in which he precipitously falls to the bottom): 'I'm really confident in what I did. I might take this thing down. Goddamn I'm good.'

-9:48: BLACK LIGHTNING STRIKES. (Ok, I had to give the nickname a try.)

-9:50: If Hollywood made a movie inspired by the Fail Blog, would Timothy play the lead? Or at the very least, narrate?

-9:59: No, Tim, you can't roll 7 or 11 on the come out every time. But you sure seemed to crap out. A lot.

-10:00: Okay, seriously, when did Top Chef become Survivor? JUST EFFING COOK.

-10:01: On another note, hello again, China Chow. I'm going to find me a copy of 'The Big Hit' on VHS.