Porn for Paula Dean: TOP CHEF LIVE BLOG

1009: Going on record: Worst season of Top Chef yet. Still I watch.

1011: To elaborate, I cannot remember a season where they went so far out of their way to tell the audience how credentialed the cast was. Yet I cannot recall a more lame ass, disappointing bunch of cooks.

1014: FYI I got a jonesing for Grayson. A byproduct of being the only decent looking woman this season. That's not saying much.

1016: More of my ginger haired angel. MAWWWR.

1018: I'm convinced Beverly gets hated on for being the uber-asian goober, which almost completely invalidates her talent. Almost.

1019: I was going to say something about the poor quality of the elimination challenges and then Charlize Theron hit the screen. I can't remember if I had pants on before. I don't care.

1025: I need to know what the special 'coating' is on Burger King's new fries. Sure, it might make the fries taste like heaven and look like money but it's Himalayan goat pee, I don't want it.

1030: We are 30 minutes into the show. There are seven chefs left. Three are Asian. How did this escape me thus far?

1039: Leave it to me to drub the current season ... only to see the chefs pull out the best meal yet. I have no business betting on anything.

1041: I need a ruling. I think Ed is a dead ringer for my friend, Andrew.  See below:

Andrew on the left, chef Edward Lee on the right.

RIGHT?! If there's former PSA-er reading this who can co-sign, please do so. Freaky. 

1054: I'll just come out with it: Sarah can lick it. She undercooked risotto this season, not once but twice. She quit an elimination challenge ... mid-challenge (and then came back when convenient ... only to leave again). She threw the Asian girl under the bus. I'm over the "Nice-pitiable-fat-girl" shtick. These rocks won't kick themselves.

1059: Well, that's the last time I push the Asians. Ladies and gents, I am ... The Cooler.

1101: Back to Grayson. She's hot in the way Rachel Nichols from ESPN is hot ... in that if you're stare at her long enough, and you remove any other basis for comparison (i.e. little to no women on the same program), you turn a 4 into a 6. In Grayson's case, a 5 to a 7. Thank you for your time.

1106: There's something amiss with this 'Last Chance Kitchen'. Indulge me.

- Tom Colicchio doesn't change shirts for three to four weeks. At least.
- Neither does the peanut gallery, for that matter.
- The challenges take place in the San Antonio kitchen but the incoming chefs are coming from all over the state at different times in the season.

There's probably a logical explanation to all this but until that surfaces, I'll be waiting for the chef on the grassy knoll.

1115: I won't spoil the results from the LCK but this might've been the best one yet.

1118: Had fun tonight. If you read this, a gold star to ya. You may pack your knives and go. Night.

A Monkey's Uncle.

Lord Tebow met his match.

Aaron and his Pack lost their way.

And ... Saint Drew fell from grace.

If football isn't religion, I got nothing else for ya.

(Oh yeah, Baltimore beat Houston. I couldn't come up w/ a fitting analogy and let's be honest, that game was a turd and a half.)

This wasn't an impossible chain of events but the idea that both the Saints and Packers would exit the Playoffs in the divisional round was pretty damn unlikely. On the other hand, I think everyone outside of the Rockies could see Tebow and co. were in over their heads but given how the Broncos performed against the Steelers, you would at least expect a competitive contest.

Wrong on all accounts.

Nonetheless, I took two things away from this past weekend's games:

1) Just how well the 49ers offense played.
In the words of The Miz ... really? Really?! I mean, San Fran isn't exactly inept on the O but no one would confuse them with the Saints. Which isn't a bad thing. But the chances of Alex Smith outdueling Drew Brees were pretty slim going in so unless he's completely full of crap, I highly doubt Jim Harabaugh went into the game thinking that was the gameplan. That said, Alex Smith went all-Utah on the Saints. Vernon Davis came up huge. Totally changes the perception of the Niners' passing game and adds a dimension to this team that was missing all year.

2) Just how poorly the Packers played. 
This takes nothing away from the Giants but the Packers blew. In nearly every facet of the game. Completely BLEW.

Injured teams and slumping teams benefit the most from a 1st round bye. The Packers fall into neither of those categories. Throw in an inconsistent defense and then Sunday happens. In week 1, I was impressed as anyone with the offensive performance from the Pack but the ease with which the Saints moved the ball was especially troubling. Yes, it was Brees moving the ball but that's besides the point. A defensive unit that helped carry Green Bay to a title was suddenly an 'opportunistic' defense. And if you're scoring at home, 'opportunistic' (when describing defenses) is code for 'good in spots but largely crappy'.

It's an odd thing with prolific offenses. Their defensive counterparts will generally produce plenty of turnovers and play 'bend-but-don't-break' football en route to a title. And then the subsequent season, the offense will play as well, if not better than the last year, while the defense regresses as the team fails to duplicate their prior success. Case(s) in point: 1999 St. Louis Rams, 2007 New Orleans Saints, and now ... the 2010 Green Bay Packers. What a shame. Better luck next year, cheeseheads.

If this past weekend was any indication, next week's title games will be interesting to say the least. My early vibe: a Super Bowl rematch with ... the Ravens and Giants. Take those picks with a grain of salt as I am unofficially known as 'The Cooler' but lightning strikes. Blind squirrels find nuts. Don't say I didn't call it.

Anyway, I'll be back with some notes on UFC 142 in Rio. For now, I say adieu.

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD ... er, TEBOW!

I know what you're thinking ...

'One post into the new year and already he's missed one.'

Forgive me. I got a little caught up spending my Sunday praying at the altar of his holiness ... the patron Saint ... Timmy.

Honestly, there are no words to describe just how improbable all this is. (Somewhere in Bristol, Connecticut, around 6:45 PM yesterday, some poor, 22 year old intern had to be giving Merril Hoge mouth-to-mouth.) Of all the ways that AFC Wild Card game COULD end, no one would have guessed '80-yd TD pass from Tebow in OT.' (BTW, so much for the end of one-possession OT games.)

And as much as I would like to see the Tebow-mania subside, a small, miniscule, imperceptible part of my being has to thank the heavens for granting myself and the rest of the sports-loving world a brief respite from the plague that is ... Steeler nation.

It's not just the disproportionately large number of displaced stiller fans that seem to infiltrate every metropolitan area. It's not just the growing number of bandwagoners. Hell, it's not even the ridiculous sight of a few thousand, freeze-dried yahoos waving those repugnant yellow towels. (Terrible doesn't begin to describe.)

Rather, it's all of it. Nothing personal, I don't hate Steeler fans. I'm just 'Black-and-Yellow'd out. If you throw the Penguins into the mix, the surge in Pittsburgh paraphernalia over the last 5-6 years has been exponential. It just got to be too much. And if the price of a Steeler-less playoffs is a little more Tebow-humping, I will gladly turn down the TV, grit my teeth, and keep it moving 'til Sunday, February 5th. Until then ... #ThankYouBasedTebow .

MERRY NEW YEAR!

On this first, glorious day of 2012, I asked my fiance how she manages to update her blog so regularly (rehabmywardrobe.blogspot.com for those wondering). To which she replied:

'I just do it.'

Makes sense.

So on that note, I've resolved to write a new post every Sunday. Mark it on your calendars. Prepare your heckles and barbs, in the 'off chance' I do not adhere to said resolution. But I'm shooting for at least 52 posts come this time next year. Hopefully, I'll find some time between wedding planning and episodes of 'Storage Wars' to squeeze in a few extra posts in 2012. And speaking of resolutions...


- I guess Brock Lesnar resolved to not to get hit in the face any more. Can't say I blame him (he wasn't very good at it). However, I'm 50/50 on his decision to walk away from MMA now. He is just three fights, two years, and one case of diverticulitis removed from the undisputed UFC Heavyweight title. Two years later, he's supposedly done with the sport. I respect the guy for taking on one of, if not THE most talented strikers in the division in Alistair Overeem, after a 14 month layoff from the octagon. Take nothing away from the 'Reem but I wonder if ring rust played a role in Brock's performance. For my money, one more fight would clear up a lot of my questions.

Then there's the speculation about Brock potentially returning to the WWE. Everyone, including the fine folks at chaddukeswrestlingshow.com, seems to believe it's a foregone conclusion that 'the Next Big Thing' will be back in the squared circle for WrestleMania. Yet I'm not totally sold. Granted, I'm sure Vince & Co. will make a run at him at some point but I don't know if now is the time. Assume Brock is back to face the Undertaker. Honestly, how do you sell a 'real fighter' coming off two straight losses to the WWE universe as legit? Not saying it's impossible but it'll be a little more difficult for the WWE to convince the PG-Era fans Brock is a credible threat to 'The Streak' given how his run in the UFC came to an end. I'll wait to see how this plays out but I won't hold my breath.

- The Redskins ended the 2011 season one game worse than last year. Considering this was with Rex at the helm for 13 games, I'm going to call that a push.

Look, it sucks being a Redskins fan right now but ignore the stench of failure for a brief moment and look at it this way: Helu and Royster are the future at RB. Kerrigan and Orakpo are the real deal. Perry Riley is a tackling machine. Jarvin Jenkins should be healthy and ready to jump on the line. (Jarvis if you recall was the best player in camp this summer before tearing his ACL. He will join Stephen Bowen and Barry Cofield to a vastly improved defensive line.)

Of course, the QB position is the primary question mark but with the sixth pick in the upcoming draft, the Redskins are at least in the conversation for RGIII. If they opt against blowing their load to move up in the draft, the Redskins could do worse than to have Mike Shanahan and gang at the helm, scouring college QBs. As Danny Rouhier from 106.7 The Fan DC pointed out on his twitter (@funnydanny), this is the same guy in Shanny that drafted Jay Cutler and passed on Blaine Gabbert. They might have a beat on this kind of thing. (Then again, he did have us convinced John Beck was the guy.)

Hopefully, I'm not alone in this perverse sense of optimism. But I'm more than happy to share a glass of the Kool Aid.

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I'm off work Monday but I'm going to milk some shut-eye out of this. I'll leave you with this message from my friend, Nenge Mboko:

Wait, That's Gravy?: Sunday Musings Pt. 2

Friends ... forgive-a-ness, please.

Holiday week be damned, I promised bloggings earlier this week and I did not deliver. It was a busy week in our little household but that's certainly no excuse. I welcome any and all criticism.

At any rate, more words from moi.


Burgundy, Gold, and Conflicted:
I tweeted this prior to this Sunday's game vs the Seahawks.

"oTHATjohn: #skins need to improve draft position. that said the seahawks are a lot worse than their record shows. gna be an awkward game to watch."

Ugh.

Look, I can't bring myself to stop caring and/or root for the Redskins to lose. That said, even I can recognize 'good losses' would go a lot further in helping this team improve long term than any ugly wins. A franchise QB Rex Grossman is not. Bringing in Peyton Manning would be tantamount to trading for McNabb. The best shot at addressing the QB position long term lies in the 2012 NFL Draft and beating a crappy Seahawks team hurts the 'skins chances at landing that QB.

Like many Redskin fans, I'm glad this team isn't ready to fold, which is a testament to the job Shanny and team have done to change the culture in DC. But the skins are still a long way from being contenders so winning now does not advance their aspirations. Sucks being a fan and it sucks worse to be real. I need an adult.

Tim Tebow: 

Seriously, how?

I have no problem w/ his bible thumping. None whatsoever. I just cannot wrap my head around his success. Credit to John Fox and the Denver coaching staff for putting #15 in a position to win. But more credit to TIMMAY. There's obviously something innate in his ability to lead his troops and ... eff it, HOW DOES HE DO IT?

Pacquiao/Marquez 3:

Enough bitching. Manny won.

You are DELUSIONAL if you think any challenger can take no less than three rounds 'off' against a champion ... in a close fight ... and expect to win. Ask De La Hoya how that strategy worked in his fight against Tito Trinidad. (Hint: It doesn't.)

So there was no robbery. At best, it was too close to call. At worst, it was a narrow decision for the champ. Either way, it's embarrassing for a fighter to sit and bemoan his lot in sport and in life when said fighter had every opportunity to change that outcome. (FYI, it's even more embarrassing for that fighter to bemoan whilst sitting on a stool, butt naked, with nothing but sombrero to cover the goods.)

So again ... enough bitching.

UFC on Fox:

The biggest disappointment about that night? That no one got to see Benson 'Bendo' Henderson battle Clay Guida. (Yes, I was watching on Facebook but better yet, did anyone else?)

If you missed it, trust me when I say: It was absolute magic.

Other than that, no complaints. If you've watched any combat sport in your life, you know that knockouts happen. And SURPRISE! It happened. Even the supposed 'baddest man on the planet' (Cain Velasquez) is not immune to such a fate.

Now, did the UFC casually leave out that Cain was making his return after a 12 month layoff from the octagon? Sure, but who could blame them. They had a fight to sell. And despite the fact that neither fighter, Cain or Junior Dos Santos, carried the name recognition of a Brock Lesnar or a GSP, they had the numbers on their side ... and by numbers, I mean pounds. Nothing looks better on a marquee than the word 'heavyweight' and Fox took that ball and ran with it.

The cross promotion with the NFL on Fox was tremendous, and the numbers (5.7 million viewers, 3.1 share) scream success. From a ratings standpoint, I can't imagine either the UFC or Fox being any happier for an initial telecast. For a casual fan, it was obviously a bit of a let down, especially when you consider the action packed nature of a typical UFC card.

That said, the UFC and Fox have a long way to go in their relationship. There will be growing pains. There will be hiccups. But all in all, UFC on Fox served as a nice first date.

UFC 139:

Having said that, if you're upset about the UFC giving away a heavyweight title fight FOR FREE and you didn't pony up any buckos to see UFC 139 the following week, well then I would politely ask you to keep your MMA thoughts to yourself. Your bitching privileges have been suspended.

The card (in short): Shogun/Henderson. Cung/Wanderlei. Faber/Bowles. Unbelievable card. Not that they needed to but the UFC more than made up for the previous week by delivering with this card. Just a delight.

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With that, I will bid you all a fine Monday. Mahalo. Guten nacht.

Don't Call It A Comeback: Sunday Musings Pt. 1

Confession: I suck at blogging. (As if the date of my last real post didn't already tell you that.)

My fiance? Pretty damn good at it. (BTW slide over to rehabmywardrobe.blogspot.com to give her page a ganders... after you finish reading this post, of course.)

In any case, the little lady has been so persistent and successful with her page that ... it's inspired me to give my fledgling page another shot. And truth be told, I really missing writing. (Thoughtful work emails just don't cut it.)

So w/o further ado...

- News of the day: The Redskins are bad. Exceptionally bad at that. Having said that, at the risk of forever jinxing my beloved sons of DC, I have faith in the long term plan for this team. Take Grossman (and Beck for that matter) out of the picture, as the future QB for this team is likely knee deep in coeds right now. The cornerstones of the defense are in place. (DeAngelo, you can put your hand down now. Just like you do in coverage.) The O line has seen better days but their issues stem more from a lack of depth, rather than a lack of talent. Potential playmakers, like Helu and Hankerson, have showed promise. And as evident in today's game vs. the Cowboys, this team hasn't quit. That tells you something.

So for chrissakes, Skins fans, step back from the ledge. Provided the Danny doesn't blow it all up, these losses will not be in vain. Circle the 2012 NFL Draft on your calendars. Hail.

- FINALLY. A certain 'Great One' stepped back into the squared circle tonight in Madison Square Garden. He's been known to electrify on occasion ... be it live or via satellite. Of course, I'm referring to the Rock.

If you didn't catch the Survivor Series ... well, you missed little. Pretty average tag match but obviously, the story was The Rock teaming w/ John Cena to face The Miz and R-Truth. The much ballyhooed teaming of the Wrestlemania 28 opponents was pretty slow paced throughout but the biggest take away was that Rock looked FAN-TASTIC. Physically, he looked ... well, chiseled. In the ring, The Great One didn't look like a guy who hadn't wrestled in seven years.

All in all, it was more tease than match. Pretty surprised at the finish, as I thought they would give Awesome Truth the nod to give them some heat and help build the tension between Cena and Rock. But I think WWE played it safe and gave the New York crowd a heavy dose of Rocky and they definitely ate it up. (BTW how good were the crowds this week? Boston Monday and NY tonight. Both cities brought it.) Interested to see where they go in the next five months with the build for WM28 but here's hoping Rock is back in the ring again before April.

- Lots of ground to cover still (i.e. Pacquiao/Marquez 3, UFC on Fox, UFC 139, etc.) but we are past the witching hour and a spring chicken I am not. Please to check back tomorrow. In the meantime you can catch me on the twitter. Just follow @oTHATjohn. Good tidings.

11.12.11